Things to NOT Put in Your Vagina

According to a gynecologist

When you were a kid, your mom was probably very specific about things you should not put in your nose, ears, or mouth. Chances are she neglected to be as specific about things you should not put in your vagina or on your vulva.

Between persuasive marketing and internet info, it's no surprise that a lot of women think it's perfectly okay to insert all manner of things on or into their most private parts, especially if the label states it is designed for that purpose.

In general, I try to keep this a GOOP-FREE ZONE, but since I am talking about things NOT to do, I will break my rule.

Jade Egg

Jade eggs are only one example of the many products found on Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle brand, Goop, bombarding hopeful people with promises to convince them to buy all manner of products.

Despite what you may have heard, a jade egg placed in your vagina will not balance your hormones, increase bladder control, regulate menstrual cycles, or prevent depression.

The only thing a jade egg does is deplete your bank account by $66. After the California FDA dinged Goop for making false claims, Ms. Paltrow paid $145,000 in penalties (not nearly enough as far as I am concerned).

The site still sells jade eggs (sans the wellness claims) and claims that the egg will “harness the power of energy work, crystal healing, and a Kegel-like physical practice,” which is about as vague as it gets. But no matter, women still buy them believing there is a benefit. Reassuringly, the Jade Egg is FINAL SALE so at least you can be sure that you are not getting an egg that was in someone else’s vagina.

While jade eggs are probably harmless (unless they happen to get stuck in your vagina) I hope you are as offended as I am that a wealthy actress is taking advantage of women and making millions promoting this kind of nonsense.

Vaginal Steaming

Vaginal steaming has been utilized in Korea for hundreds of years and was popularized in the US by (here we go again) Gwyneth Paltrow who disseminated the crazy myth that steaming balances hormones, "cleans" the uterus, and helps keep skin looking young and healthy.

Between that and her Jade Egg, no need for a gynecologist!

Essentially, women sit on a mini throne while steam infused with mugwort swirls around the vaginal opening to enter and permeate the uterine walls. Beyond the fact that this is ridiculous and worthless, there have been reports of genital burns from enthusiastic steamers. Nevertheless, spas across America continue to offer this “wellness service.” So steam the wrinkles out of your clothes and the soil out of your carpet, but for god’s sake, do not steam your vagina.

The most popular vaginal lubricants

It's tempting to grab the first thing on the shelf and dash before you run into anyone you know, but the most popular lubricants (the ones generally at eye level) are water-based lubricants loaded with additives that increase the osmolality (concentration based on dissolved particles).

Vaginal lubricants that have a high osmolality cause tissue damage and dehydration, the exact opposite of what you are trying to accomplish by using a lubricant. The worst of the worst are the warming lubes.

Warming Lubricants

The idea behind warming lubricants is that they intensify and increase pleasurable sensations. These lubes are not warm in terms of temperature; they are chemically intended to heat things up. In some products, capsaicin, a component of chili peppers, causes a warming sensation. Other common ingredients include Vanillyl Butyl Ether,(for flavor) and peppermint to cool things down. The poor little clit doesn’t know if it should be warm, cool, or just taste good.

Many women report stinging or burning with these products. But if you put chili peppers in your vagina, maybe you should expect some burning to be involved.

Warming lubricants, in addition to being really irritating to vulvar skin, have a sky-high osmolality. Bottom line, if you have problems with vaginal dryness or irritation, steer clear.

On the other hand, warming your lubricant (as in temperature) is nice and can be accomplished by putting your bottle of lube in warm water before use (low tech), or you can splurge and buy yourself a commercial lube warmer. Just check out the massage oil warmers on Amazon.

"Feminine" Douches

The vagina is self-cleaning. Unless a physician has prescribed a douche for a very specific purpose, there is no medical reason to douche. Douching will not eliminate an odor or itch, but it will increase the risk of pelvic inflammatory disease, bacterial vaginosis, and infertility.

Women who douche have a three-fold increase in the risk of a tubal (ectopic) pregnancy. There may even be an increase in cervical cancer. And do you really want your vagina to smell like a tropical breeze?

Any Product with Benzocaine

Many products, that promise to ease the itch and the burn can make it worse. Benzocaine is a local anesthetic that numbs the agony of a vaginal infection. And it works. But once it wears off, it turns out that benzocaine is a major vulvar irritant and can ultimately make things feel worse…much worse.

Madura Sticks

Madura sticks, popular in Indonesia, are cigar-shaped objects, that promise to eliminate odor and white discharge (which is generally normal).

Many women who swear by Madura sticks are women who believe that these sticks will tighten their pelvic floor muscles, tighten the vagina and enhance their husband's pleasure. They are particularly popular after childbirth. The sticks contain "a secret formula using Indonesian herbs," which likely have astringent properties that dry and damage tissue.

There are unconfirmed reports of these sticks causing vaginal walls to become adherent, tear, and burn. I don't need to wait for the confirmed reports to advise you to steer clear. And I am not going to even get started on the notion that maintaining a “tight" vagina "like a virgin" is a desirable goal.

And if you think that only women in Indonesia use these sticks, you would be wrong. Just this morning I went to Amazon and put “Madura Sticks” in the search, and voila, within seconds multiple products popped up including the Magic Tongkat Madura Virginity Wand “for tightening and cleaning”. For the low low price of $29 this magic wand promises to make you “tight in no time.” Good news- in addition to making you a virgin again, madura sticks also claim to prevent vaginitis, vaginal itching, odor, or “unbalanced” discharges.

The Magic Tongkat Wand is currently #90 in the vaginal moisturizer category, which is weird because the whole point of the Madura stick is to dry things up in an attempt to tighten the vagina. And, because I have a Prime account, I was assured that it would be delivered by tomorrow morning. Phew.

Yogurt-Soaked Tampons

This home remedy for a yeast infection comes up frequently on social media and the advice of Dr. Google. Yes, lactobacilli are good for your vagina, but the strain of lactobacilli in yogurt is not the same strain of lactobacilli that populates a healthy vagina.

There are a handful of published studies supporting the efficacy of yogurt and bee honey, but these studies are small, do not have a placebo control group, and have only a short-term follow-up. In larger, scientifically validated studies, there was no efficacy beyond placebo.

Every time I say this, I get a flurry of angry comments and e-mails that I am WRONG. My job is to report what is in the scientific literature. I’m not saying it’s bad for your vagina, I’m just saying it does nothing to improve vaginal health or cure an infection. If it works for your vaginal health, lucky you. And if you decide to go that route, just be sure you are using plain yogurt. Save the strawberry vanilla stuff for breakfast.

As a general rule, anything you put on your plate, shouldn’t go in your vagina. That would include…

Penis Shaped Fruit

Carrots, cucumbers, and unpeeled bananas are among the more popular food items that end up in vaginas. Some say it’s problematic because even well-washed food still harbors bacteria. Unlike penises that are germ-free. So that’s not why you shouldn’t put fruit in your vagina. Frankly, fruit is much safe than most penises since there have been no reports of a banana increasing transmitting HPV, herpes, or other STIs.

One reason food has no business being in your vagina is that if a piece breaks off, good luck retrieving it without a visit to the gyno. The bigger issue is that if the banana or carrot has sharp areas it can scratch the vaginal wall. And if the carrot is short, I hope you have long fingers. If you must, put a condom over whatever is going in to ensure that broken pieces and lost items are “in the bag” for easy retrieval.

Using Your Electric Toothbrush as a Vibrator

I know you are out there! It is one of the most undiscussed uses for an electric toothbrush happening not just in bedrooms, but in hotel rooms throughout the world. And, without getting into the science of vibration, (saving that for another day) take my word that there is more than enough vibration from an electric toothbrush to do the job. But beware! I have seen clitoral abrasions from women who used their Sonicare directly on their clitoris. Don’t do that. And if there is residual toothpaste, even worse.

And FYI, the vibration from your toothbrush is way stronger than most vibrators. Sometimes it’s too much of a good thing.

Bottom line, if you are going to do this you need to put something over the brush. The plastic cap to your toothbrush, if you didn’t lose it, is one option. Your gym sock. A towel. There is even a product for this purpose called Erosscia Ceola. This genius product is an extension placed on your electric toothbrush so it can be used as a vibrator. And good news! It fits both Sonicare and Oral B. I know! $49.95. Pricey, but less than the cost of a good vibrator and the TSA will never know.

While doing extensive research on this hack, I came across one self-proclaimed vagina expert on Tik Tok who cautioned against using an electric toothbrush as a vibrator because “the mouth germs on the toothbrush might cause a vaginal infection”. Huh? Clearly, this person has never thought about the millions of mouth germs transmitted during oral sex.

And that’s why you should only listen to information from a gynecologist.